Journal

by Nerida Cuddy

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    A Journal of pictures, quotes, thoughts and memories, as well as lyrics for all the songs, beautifully put together by graphic artist Simone Howard.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Journal via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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about

A companion for people who've walked through grief and loss.

credits

released August 30, 2003

produced by Rory Ellis, Dave Gleeson - Violin, Native American Flute, Dave Steel - Mandolin, Accordion, Dobro, Percussion, Stuart Speed - Upright Bass, Candy Edwards - Djembe, Simone Russell - Graphic Design, Jane McLean - Photography on front cover

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all rights reserved

about

Nerida Cuddy Canowindra, Australia

Nerida has been described as “a composer & musician with not only an ear for music, but a social conscience & a sense of humour” (ABC Central West). A story teller and poet, she shows great sensitivity to a range of human experiences, often drawing on the imagery of the Australian bush where she has lived for over 20 years. ... more

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Track Name: Whispers
In the deepest silence, when there’s no part to play,
And the call of expectation has been silenced a while…
There’s a whisper at the corner of my thoughts,
A longing with no obvious cause,
There’s a dream of beauty makes me ache,

Makes me wonder, makes me weep,
Makes me call out for someone…

And it comes to me again, that song I’ve always known somehow,
Though I don’t know all the words, I know it was written for me…
Track Name: Family
Went back to my childhood home,
Just a shell, done up to sell,
Mysteries laid bare,
Everything seems so small now.
Run my finger down the rail, remembering
Sliding all the way down these stairs,
Laughing right to the bottom.

I was formed here, my family grew into me,
And I grew into them, and I know what I owe to you now.
I was formed here, my family grew into me,
And I grew into them, and I know what I owe,
I know just a bit of what you’ve given me…

And we couldn’t believe it when we found, still there,
At the back of the door,
Mum’s neat record of all our growing years.
And now the notches are marked, not so neat,
Cut in deep into our souls,
We’re still growing into each other even now.

Walk into a time, when Dad was here, he laughed us through the years,
And here I stand in his study again,
I remember seeing him, on his knees here,
The man who loved life,
And don’t I wish I could ask you so much now.
Track Name: Going home
Such strong hands, holding mine,
Brown and worn, working hands,
They’ve known many years of labour,
Years of breaking life from hard soil.
Now the nails are too clean,
And the strain is from pain,
But I’m still holding a farmer’s hands.

Such kind hands, holding mine,
Safe and warm, loving hands,
They’ve held so many precious ones,
Pulled through all the troubled times.
They’re holding tightly now,
Not sure how long we’ve got,
Can’t really imagine this grandpa letting go…
Letting go… it’s so hard to do…

Such humble hands holding mine,
Gentle and giving, praying hands,
They’ve wrestled many lonely hours,
Searching for the lover of his soul,
They reach to him now,
They’re thanking, they’re trusting him,
They’re longing to be finally taken home…
Track Name: Grief
Here I am again, raging against the dying of your light,
I’m still young but so aged with the sum of my griefs,
Mutilated, a gaping hole in my spirit,
Where my loved ones have been torn away…
Torn away…

Here I am again, trying to walk this road without my legs,
I’m a survivor, but invisible scars have left me close to dead,
Sometimes there’s so much of me that’s broken
That I feel the bitter wind will blow me away…
Blow me away…

And they tell me that to love is the key to life’s meaning,
But they don’t say it’s the door to its pain,
And the thought of facing loss again has left me reeling,
And there’s nothing I can do to make you stay..
Make you stay…

Here I am again, learning to trust the light though the dark
Wraps me suffocating the prayers that try to make it from my heart,
Great healer can you mend a wounded spirit?
Can you hold me till your light of day…
Your light of day is coming…
Can you hold me?
Track Name: Living Desert
My roots have grown deep within this place,
Searching for water in the desert, anchoring in the earth,
And it’s not much to show on the surface,
But anyone who knows knows,
It’s what’s inside that matters.

And the red earth has blown around my feet,
And the sun has blistered, and the winds have scattered,
And the long-awaited rains have come,
And their gentle falling has kept me alive.

Oh I’m reaching to the sky,
And I’m losing the beauties that I used to hide behind,
And I’ll wait, if I have to wait forever,
For my maker to come.

Stripped of bitterness, am I stripped to the bone?
I’m seeing more clearly, especially my blindness,
And most important is the light to shine,
Dancing colours on my limbs,
Painted by the sun.
Track Name: To you...
A world of rainbow colours greets me, when I look upon my day,
As a chance to share with you,
And though I never would have dreamed it, yet it’s clearer every day,
The love of God is true.

And when I am weak then I am strong,
It’s then I know that you are there to depend upon,
And you will never, never let me fall,
Your love is life to my soul,
Your love is all.

Oh, let the little children come to me,
And don’t turn them away,
You must learn from them, He said,
Oh see them reaching for His hands,
See them climb into His arms,
Oh Lord help me trust that way.

In the dark night of the soul,
In the grief of a dying world,
In the agony of longing for home,
I know you hold me Lord,
So help me hold to you…
Track Name: Funeral Night
She sinks to a chair, cold cup of tea in front of her,
The weariness closes in like fog,
Such a long day of trying to be brave,
So many people, now the last one’s gone

And there’s no one in the chair in front of her,
And there’s a silence she hasn’t known before,
And the future stretches out like a desert night,
Can she possibly face it all alone?

Her eyes are dry, the weeks of weeping strangely stilled,
She’s known it would come so long,
But no one can know, can never be prepared,
For the time when a part of you is gone.

I pray comfort, for the woman left alone,
I pray peace, for those questions racing on,
I pray healing for the wounds so very raw,
So she will know she’s held, by the one who weeps with her
Track Name: Brokenness to Freedom
You can build four walls, impenetrably strong,
A fortress of self-protection,
And they’ll thicken with age,
And the moss will grow over them,
And nothing, no nothing ever makes it inside.

You can lay out a minefield, with trenches around
A barren safety zone.
With grenades always ready,
And weapons on hand
If anyone… anyone dares to get closer.

I know women whose hurt has driven them to this –
Shutting out pain and joy,
But I know women who’ve walked the road to healing.

You can live like a machine, a mechanised being
That does the job of living quite well.
A plate glass life, no inefficient feelings,
Seemingly… seemingly invulnerable.

I know men whose hurt has driven them to this –
Shutting out pain and joy,
But I know men who’ve walked the road to healing.

And they dare to love again,
And they trust to give their hearts away,
Though they may destroyed,
They know it’s the only way.
And they find hope for their despair,
Joy instead of mourning and beauty in the ashes,
They walk through brokenness to freedom.
Track Name: Waiting
Today I wait with the trees,
On tiptoe stretching out my fingers against a stormy sky,
They sing with me, silently, their song of waiting…

Today I’m dancing with the wind,
Swaying, moving with restlessness, never to be still
It blows away the dust of my mortality…

Today I’m hoping with the earth,
Blossoming flowers for a brand new day of celebration,
Could be today that love will come to stay…


Today I’m hoping,
Today I’m dancing,
Today I’m waiting.
Track Name: Talia
Every good gift comes from above,
From the Father of Lights, who doesn't change like shifting shadows.
In his goodness he chose to make us his own,
and we became his choice possession, his precious children…

And I don’t want to forget it,
Don’t want to lose myself,
In blind ingratitude,
Want to have eyes and ears open
To every good gift,
Every precious thing from you

And all I can say is thank you for setting me free
From all my bitter emptiness,
And for the struggling times you carried me,
Your love’s more stubborn than my unbelief

Every good gift comes from above, from the Father of Lights,
Who doesn't change like shifting shadows…